Sleeping Beauty And The Seven Dwarves

Once upon a time, there was a forest. The forest was there from before and probably will be there long after our tale is finished unless it’s chewed up by land grabbing. But the future doesn’t matter now. Only the present. The time that is upon us.

And in this forest, in this time, lived some dwarves. They were supposed to be happy, jovial fellows yet they were mostly miserable. Always yearning, moaning, and sighing. They felt like something was missing from their lives. It wasn’t riches though, so a decision was made to spend said riches to discover what was missing.

Somewhere else in the same forest a seer was leading a somewhat meager life. He was living in an age where talk was actually cheap, so he was poor. But things were about to change. Wheels were already in motion as the dwarves set out to find this seer to talk them through their issues. Scared the bejesus out of him when they finally stumbled upon his hut.

‘You are one hard geezer to find!’ Declared one of the dwarves.

‘We were searching for you for weeks.’ Joined another.

‘It was tough to pinpoint your measly little hut in this thick forest.’

The seer still wasn’t certain if the dwarves were good news or bad, but was reluctant to flee. A grown man, running from dwarves, how would that look? Even though the human was old and weak and the dwarves were taller than him.

‘What can I do for you kind sirs?’ He enquired.

‘We are here, erm, I mean…, erm, you say it, you know it better. ‘Pointed one dwarf at another.

‘Me? No, no’ Eschewed the other. ‘Him!’ The one he was pointing at just stepped aside and the poor fellow weaseling behind him had to deliver.

‘Who? Me? I think… I mean, it seems we’re missing something.’ He blurted out in the end.

‘Oh, you lost something.’ Nodded the seer

‘Hell no!’ Roared a dwarf. ‘That can’t happen!’

‘We haven’t lost it as we never had it!’ Admitted another.

‘That’s great news then!’ Stated the seer. ‘Don’t you loathe it when you’re inhibited in your search! You wish to locate the same thing again. But not in your case. Anything will do!’

‘I wouldn’t go as far as that.’ Claimed one of the dwarves.

‘No, no, you misread my remarks, dear valued customer. I will advise you to identify what you require, not what you had. Alas, that is not simple though, maybe you could,…’ hesitated the seer, glancing at the dwarves. He dared not say it but would have preferred the dwarves to repair his door. It was barely clinging on its hinges. ‘You know, maybe you could…’

‘You need payment?’ Suggested one of the dwarves. ‘We are rich, we can pay you.’

‘Well, yes. That would help, you know, just so I can have the finest ingredients for this concoction I’m about to do.’

‘Concoction? What for?’

‘To find out what is it that you miss.’

‘Oh, I see.’ Answered one of the dwarves. ‘We only have 30 pieces of silver.’

‘And just 30 pieces of gold.’ Continued another.

‘And just a meager 30 rubies.’ Apologized another.

‘And 30 sapphires only.’ Excused himself a fourth.

‘Well, you’re in luck, as that is precisely the cost of the best mixture. 30 pieces of silver, gold, rubies, and sapphire. 30 pieces of each.’

‘So you won’t require these 30 diamonds then?’ Queried a dwarf from the back.

‘Erm, no, no. Not at the moment at least.’ Declined the somewhat disappointed seer. ‘Come back in a fortnight and I will uncover what you’re missing.’

‘In a fortnight? Why the hell you need four nights?’ Shouted a dwarf.

‘A fortnight means two weeks.’ Whispered another.

‘What? Two weeks?’ Lamented a third.

‘Oh, no, begging your pardon, what I meant was come back in a fortday.’ The seer retracted.

‘A fortday? What’s that?’ Inquired a dwarf.

‘Dunno.’

‘No such thing.’

‘No way no how.’

‘Never heard of it.’ Countered the dwarves in unison. Well, sort of.

‘I meant two days.’ Spelled out the seer.

‘Two days?’

‘No way!’

‘Oh, maaaan!

‘Too long!’

Seems this reply didn’t go down well either.

‘What I truly meant was come back tomorrow. Tomorrow morning.’ Suggested the seer feebly.

‘Oh, OK.’

‘That’s doable.’

‘See you on the morrow.’

The dwarves left, the door fell off its hinge but the seer didn’t care anymore. This could be a life-altering episode for him. If only he’d knew what to do. What could appeal to these savages? What to promise a bunch of lazy men living together with unbridled time on their hands? Sports leagues are a thing of the future, alcohol can only help so much.

Luckily he had all night to prepare something. Surely there must be something useful in his books.

The following morning the dwarves returned, all wildly animated. The seer was seemingly cool and calm, a personified cliché of the old wise man myth. But deep down he was just as giddy as the dwarves.

‘Welcome and good morning all.’ He started and then wavered straight away. Not for dramatic effect, merely because he wasn’t sure what to say next. The dwarves didn’t reciprocate his greeting, nor did they express anything else so he had to move on.

‘I brewed the concoction.’ He continued but this time he was cut off instantly.

‘Where is it?’

‘I fed it to the animals. Then I probed their innards for signs .’ He lied without blinking. It’s easier to lie when put on the spot, police should keep this in mind.

‘Whoa, gross. Skip the details please.’

‘PG only.’ Added another dwarf.

‘Understood. All you need to know is on this piece of paper.’ And he read it aloud.

The seer looked up and noticed the dwarves staring at him in awe. He basked in this newfound glory for a while then one of the dwarves broke the silence.

‘Come again?’

Oh, right, realized the seer, beginner’s error. Mistake stupidity for awe. So he read the rhyme again, this time slower, emphasizing the words he considered meaningful.

‘That is a nice poem.’ Acknowledged a dwarf. ‘Can we chat about our issue though? You led us to believe that you’ll instruct us this morning on that we need.’

‘But I am advising you with this poem!’

‘What is it that you are informing us?’

‘A princess is coming your way!’ Proclaimed the exasperated seer.

‘You got that from this poem?’ Grumbled a dwarf.

‘I wrote the poem!!! I knew this before I drafted it. As a matter of fact, I wrote it because I knew that she is coming.’

‘So why didn’t you just say so?’

‘That’s not how this works.’ Sighed the seer.

‘Why is she coming?’

‘Do we have to marry her?’

‘Why do we need her?’

‘A princess is turning up at your house, I’m sure you can work something out.’ Groaned the seer.

‘Is she coming to clean?’

‘Or to wash?’

‘Cook maybe!’

‘Yeah, that would be nice.’ Murmured a dwarf.

‘If that’s what you crave from a princess then sure, by all means.’ Acquiesced the old man.

The dwarves went home brimming with hope but days went by and nothing materialized. Nobody knows how much time elapsed as it’s not relevant for the narrative but after some time one afternoon they discovered a sleeping creature on their beds.

Skin white as milk, just a bit murkier, hair black as coal just a tad brighter. Needless to tiptoe around the issue: it was a blonde girl with a tan. Sleeping. The dwarves surrounded her, ogling her as she snoozed. Then one of them poked her with a stick.

‘Oi! What are you doing?’ Yelled a dwarf. ‘She’s not dead!’

‘I’m aware!’ Countered the poking dwarf. ‘Just wanted to wake her.’

‘Well, you were successful.’ Replied the girl. ‘Who are you guys?’

‘Who are we? We live here! The real question is who are you?’

‘I am Sleeping Beauty.’ Declared the young woman as she got up from the bed.

’Seeking Duty?’

’Slee-ping Beau-ty!’ Articulated the girl.

‘Are you supposed to be beautiful awake too?’ Giggled a dwarf.

‘Who is understood to be sleeping for you to be beautiful? You or me?’ Piled on another.

‘Excuse me?’ Cried an irked Sleeping Beauty. ‘Behave! You shouldn’t be rude!’

‘Why not?’ Inquired a dwarf arrogantly. ‘Political correctness is a thing of the future, we can say what we want!’

‘All right. I’ll have you know that I won the little princess pageant for three years running.’

‘How many princesses took part?’

‘Where you sleeping during?’

‘I’m fed up with this.’ Exclaimed the princess. ‘Please show me to my quarters.’

‘Your quarters? What are you talking about? First, cook us dinner, then you can clean up our(italic) quarters and then the kitchen before you can set up a place to sleep next to the stove.’

‘What? Clean? Me? Have you ever seen a princess cleaning? You are out of your mind!’

‘You’re supposed to clean!’

‘And wash!’

‘And cook!’

‘And also would you…’ Started a dwarf in the back but another one interrupted him.

‘Don’t go there. Not in a fairy tale.’

‘Oh, all right.’ Agreed the dwarf reluctantly.

‘Of all the princesses out there why did we get this mollycoddled one?’ Muttered a dwarf.

‘Indeed, why?’ Picked up the rhetoric question another one.

‘We were duped!’ Shouted another.

‘Ehh, quit your wining!’ Said Sleeping Beauty. ‘I should be the one protesting. Besides, what do you care, not like I’m here to be your wife!’ And she laughed out loud. Yes, she loled.

But she loled alone. The dwarves sneaked out and made their way back to the seer.

This time they located the hut easier. Somehow it looked larger and there was a considerable clearing around it. The seer was in the doorway as if expecting them.

‘Hi there, seer.’ Greeted a dwarf.

‘I’m not a seer, I’m a shaman.’ Objected the… old man.

‘Last time you were.’ Argued the dwarf.

‘No, I was always a shaman.’

‘The hell you were!’ Countered the dwarf. ‘I saw you myself last time we were here.’

‘As did I!’ Joined in another dwarf.

‘So did I!’ ‘And me!’ ‘And me!’ ‘Me too!’ Exclaimed the dwarves, neither of them wishing to be left out of a good old fashioned oral lynching.

‘Sorry? You challenge me?’ Demanded the shaman as he clutched a big old staff.

‘No, no, of course not.’ Replied the dwarves in a calm tone. ‘Whatever you are, you need to help us. The princess appeared as foretold, but she’s worthless. She’s not cleaning, she’s not cooking.’

‘And she’s not eager to…’

‘Whoa, let me stop you right there. Told you before, this is a fairytale. There is no place for that here.’

‘Oh, sorry, I forgot.’ Apologised the dwarf. ‘Only terrible bloodletting, murder, and child abuse are allowed. Carry on.’

‘Long story short, she’s a disappointment.’

‘I see. I’ll have to look into it.’ Declared the shaman.

‘Are you going to prepare the concoction now?’ Asked a dwarf.

‘Concoction? What concoction?’

‘You know, like last time.’

‘I don’t know what you are speaking of. I will light a fire and read the flames and the smoke. But will require a few special additives, your average firewood just won’t do.’

‘Let me guess, you’ll need 30 pieces of silver.’

‘And 30 pieces of gold.’ Continued another dwarf.

‘And 30 rubies and 30 sapphires.’ Completed a third one.

‘Yes, that is true.’ Nodded the shaman.

‘At least some things don’t change.’ Mumbled a dwarf.

‘And 30 diamonds as well.’ Rounded it up the shaman.

‘That figures.’ Whispered the dwarves as they paid the fee. ‘Should we come back tomorrow?’ They enquired.

‘No, this time all I need is the time it takes for a fire to burn down. You can wait outside.’ The shaman didn’t even stick around for the dwarves to leave the hut, he went to work on the fire.

The dwarves lay down in the clearance around the hut. They passed the time bird watching and loudly calling the name of a bird if they sighted one. Luckily the shaman hailed them promptly as they only knew one bird.

As soon as they settled down in the hut the shaman commenced reciting.

‘Oh, my God! A flood is upon us! We’re doomed!’ Shrieked a dwarf.

‘We’re shorter than most, we’ll be the first to die.’ Picked up another.

‘Shut up you morons. Weren’t you listening? It will be an obedient flood, so will do as it’s told.’ Reasoned another.

‘But what about the lock?’

‘What is a lock anyway?’

‘Never mind the lock, what is a key?’

‘You never heard of a lock and a key before?’ Muttered the dismayed shaman.

‘No, never. But we know what a cod is.’

‘That we know.’ Nodded another, smacking his lips and rubbing his belly.

‘Code! I said code!’ Growled the shaman. ‘Anyway, what you require is a prince.’

‘A prince?’

‘What for?’ asked another. ‘Can he clean?’

‘You need a prince to activate the feminine traits in the princess.’ Explained the seer.

‘Is that really a thing? Can’t be.’

‘Surely there is no such thing.’ Agreed another.

‘Trust me. If the princess doesn’t know her place a prince can awake her sense of duty.’ Defended the shaman. ‘I summoned him, he will surely be there imminently, so go home and wait.’

The dwarves did as told and they informed Sleeping Beauty of the impending visit.

‘Oh, my God! Is he really coming?’ She exclaimed. ‘What should I wear? Do you think high heels are the way to go?’

‘Certainly, that’s what I like most, but it’s hard to walk in heels in a forest, that’s why I wear these boots.’ One of the dwarves said pointing at a couple of mud-stained boots.

‘No, you silly, I was talking about myself!’ Snapped the girl.

‘This discussion is totally irrelevant.’ Declared the seemingly wisest dwarf.

‘Appearances do matter!’ Retorted a dwarf. ‘And even if it doesn’t matter to you, you should let others consider their options’.

‘I agree, appearances matter, but we only have one attire each.’ Insisted the apparent wise one.’ We, dwarves, live here and we have no closets, no change of clothes, nothing. Not even a spare hat. And she just woke up here, you think she has a change of clothes to get into? Doubt that.’

‘You’re right.’ Whined SB. ‘What should I wear? I mean what should I do?’

‘Nothing. Just meet with him, you’re destined for each other, no need to fret.’

‘But what if we’re not? What if I have to make an effort to woo him?’

‘Effort is so overrated. You’re just plain ridiculous now. Just wait and be a pretty princess, that’s all you have to do’

‘Argh, all this is really grim.’ Quipped a dwarf.

‘Yes, you’re right, it’s grim.’ Nodded another.

‘It’s not grim, it’s just stupid.‘ Moaned Sleeping Beauty. ‘Why do I have to see him? Everybody knows that the best way to get a husband is to prick yourself with a spindle and slumber until he finds you. Then I could dazzle him without even trying.’

The dwarves decided not to argue with her anymore after all that’s why they requested the prince in the first place.

Sometime later the sound of hooves disturbed the relative silence of the forest. A few dwarves went out to greet the prince. Or a horse at least.

It was the prince. His armor was muddy, his steed was of an indescribable color. Once off his high horse he turned out to be quite short and had a fair share of pimples. Which is strange as he was a middle-aged bloke. With baldness setting in. Still, he knew he’s better than everyone else, he was a prince.

‘Welcome, Your Highness,’ greeted one of the dwarves, though the prince was barely taller than him. ‘We’ve been expecting you.’

‘I know,’ blurted the prince. ‘What is happening here? Are you training for a forlorn fight or perhaps for a three-day feast? What’s the setup, what’s the dealio?’

‘No, no fight, Your Blondness. We just thought, you know, maybe you would be interested in… marriage?’

‘Hum, haven’t considered that. Which one of you would be the bride?’

‘Us? No, no, out of the question. I said OUT OF THE QUESTION!’ the dwarf echoed vehemently as he yanked back another dwarf that was rushing towards the prince for some reason. ‘We’ve been entertaining a female guest for a while, and we’re to understand that you could bring out the best in her, so to speak.’

‘That’s certainly something I’ve been known to do. Take me to your guest!’

A few other dwarves were inside prepping Sleeping Beauty for the great encounter, though most of their efforts were concentrated on waking her up. They howled, banged two pots, shook her, pulled her hair, God only knows if they slapped her but couldn’t wake her. In desperation one of them pricked her with a needle.

‘Ouch!’ She skipped with a shriek. ‘What happened?’

‘The prince is here! He’s going to propose.’

‘Is he? Oh my God! How long have I been asleep?’

‘Oh, only…’ Started a dwarf.

‘Only a hundred years!’ Intervened another.

‘A hundred?’ Pondered Sleeping Beauty. ‘That’s great! I’d hate to go ahead without proper courtship.’

That’s all the dwarves needed, the door sprung open and they ushered the princess out.

‘You frightful ugly beast!’ The prince shouted and kicked the dwarf that was leading the girl out. The hapless fellow flew a considerable distance and landed face down in the muck.

‘Don’t worry, princess! I’ll free you from your captor!’ Shouted the prince.

‘Whoa! Whoa!’ Jumped the dwarves on the prince. ‘He’s with us!’ An instant later they had to gather around the dwarf that was booted in the mud, as he was keen on returning the favor.

‘All right,’ said a dwarf, getting off the muddy one, ‘now that we’re all calm you could propose and then proceed to perform your magic to stimulate whatever needs to be stimulated.’

‘Chill out little dude,’ countered the prince. ‘First I have to check her out, man. And so far I don’t like what I see.’

‘What do you mean?’ Enquired a dwarf. ‘What’s not to love?’

‘Well, first of all, what a dark skin she has. You sure she is a princess? Peasants have skin like this. Why is her skin so brown?’

‘She must have spent too much time with us in the forest.’ Explained a dwarf. In the days before Coco Channel, this had to be explained.

‘And what a blonde hair she has!’

‘I’m positive it’ll get darker with time.’

‘Goodness, what pale lips you have!’

‘Just from the excitement, I can assure you.’

‘I need a stronger woman. A butch princess.’

‘With black hair?’ Urged a dwarf.

‘Yeah, why not. With more beautiful features. Steely buttocks, firm tighs, that sort of thing.’

‘How do you know she doesn’t have that? This dress perfectly obscures everything.’

‘Maybe it’s the dress spooking him? Should we take it off?’ Suggested a dwarf.

‘Hey! I’m right here!’ Shouted Sleeping Beauty.

‘Wait, what?’ Flustered the prince. ‘You got this all wrong.’

‘Lips, thighs, buttocks. Aren’t you a bit shallow?’ Enquired an impatient dwarf.

‘In the 18th century? Come on.’ Countered the prince. ‘This is a waste of time, I’m off.’

The prince left, stage right. The dwarves did too, exit stage left. Their legs already knew the path to the seer-shaman hut. In the hope that the third time will be the charm, they were so confident they sang as they made their way through the shrubs and giants hiding in the trees. ‘Hey ho, hey ho, it wasn’t loove, it wasn’t loove, it was a perfect illuusion mistaken for love.’

The old man heard the dwarves sing and recognized they are coming his way. It crossed his mind they might be calling for their money back though he swiftly banished these concerns. Money-back guarantee was unheard of. As a matter of fact, the words money and back and guarantee were never used in the same sentence before. Indeed, guarantee wasn’t even conceived.

While he was pondering away the dwarves located the hut, the silver roof was beaming from a great distance. He hailed them in the entrance hall.

‘Welcome dwarves! Good to see you again. What brings you here on this fine day?’

‘Hello, shaman!’ Greeted the dwarves.

‘I’m a soothsayer if you don’t mind.’ Corrected them the old man.

‘Let me guess. You are making your predictions from soot?’

‘Decidedly not. Strictly from the stars.’

‘I can tell.’ Quipped a dwarf pointing at the shiny telescopes in the adjacent room.

The oracle hurriedly locked the door of that room and ushered the dwarves to the back.

‘Here, we can talk in here. What can I do for you this time?’

‘The prince failed. Didn’t stir anything. No womanhood, no soup.’

‘And he also ran away.’

‘I wish she would have done the same.’ Lamented another.

‘I understand.’ Nodded the soothsayer. ‘Very particular plight. Not hopeless though. I will have to consult the stars but first if I could trouble you for a little bit of support?’ And he held out a small box.

‘Same as last time?’ Asked one.

‘Same as first time perhaps?’ Enquired another.

‘Same as last time.’ Replied the old man.

The dwarves stuffed the box then squatted down and waited.

The soothsayer came back after some time with a piece of paper from which he read ceremoniously.

‘I know! I know! It’s someone’s mom!’ Called out a dwarf.

‘Who is?’ Urged another.

‘What?’ Intervened a third too.

‘This riddle is about somebody’s mother.’ Revealed the first dwarf.

‘Who’s mom?’

‘I don’t know, I solved half of it, what did you do?’

‘Honestly, I don’t even know why do I bother.’ Muttered the soothsayer. ‘Listen up!’ He continued louder. ‘This prophecy concerns your princess’s mother. She was supposed to locate her daughter by now but for some reason she’s late. So you will have to find her instead. Her presence in her daughters’ life will alter everything. I can give you directions.’

‘Oh, that makes sense.’

‘You got that from this silly rhyme?’ Enquired another.

‘No, I picked it up from the stars then I wrote the poem. Anyway, you must be careful with combs, corsets, apples.’

‘Hold on, what’s wrong with wearing corsets?’ Interceded a dwarf.

‘Shush, he’s thinking of the princesses corsets, not yours.’

‘Oh, yeah, yeah, I know that.’

‘Be careful with combs you say? But in the verse, you say that the comb is poisoned? Why would a mother want to harm her child?’

‘Is that right?’ Picked his head up another dwarf. ‘That can’t be!’

How nice that you get the rhyme now thought the soothsayer but all he said, hesitantly was: ‘Stepmother, perhaps?’

‘Ah, she’s only a stepmother? Yeah, that could work,’ concurred the dwarves and left.

The directions were rather obscure, turn right at the spotted mushroom, then left at the rotten tree and left again at the royal oak. They went round and round for days, swinging right at every single mushroom they found and then left at every rotting tree. They traveled in circles mostly. It got easier when they stumbled upon an inn, they could finally have a wash and a decent meal. Not to mention a comfortable sleep, in beds with sheets and duvets. The only downside was that they had mushroom for dinner AND breakfast, but that could be expected in an inn called The Spotted Mushroom.

Sadly this idyllic state only lasted for a night and they were soon out in the forest, making left and right turns at every mushroom and withering tree. They nearly forgot how it felt to sleep in a real bed when they discovered a haberdashery. They particularly enjoyed their stay there, sleeping in beds carved out of logs filled with soft moss and feathers. They thanked the owner personally and assured him that they will spread the word and urge everybody to come and stay in The Rotting Tree haberdashery.

But they seldom encountered anyone as they circled the deepest darkest forest. Sometimes they faintly heard some distant bells pealing but never found the source. They spent so much time there that they mapped it all, they knew all three establishments in the whole area and they stopped at here or there repeatedly. One afternoon, as they were relaxing in The Royal Oak pub one of them had an epiphany.

‘Damn!’ He exclaimed with a slap to his forehead. ‘I got it!’

End of part one

Since I can’t compel you to stay as there are laws against it why don’t you do it on your own? Stick around and read more of my short stories. All of them are amazing. Well, most of them are. OK, honestly, some of them are. Why don’t you decide for yourself? Take a look around –> Here’s a map!

Or, if you’re really adventurous, get off the beaten track and read a random story!